What a Long Marriage Looks Like on an Ordinary Tuesday

Aug 19

Jason and Brandy sitting closely together for a photograph.

If you came into our house on one of my days off, you probably wouldn’t think anything remarkable was happening.

I let Barbie outside, make breakfast for Jason and me, and give him his morning pill. I drink my coffee and clean up the dishes.

We talk, or Jason listens to an audiobook while I work on the blog or junk journal. A few hours after breakfast, I check his blood sugar and give him insulin if he needs it.

He gets up and makes his laps around the house with his walker. We keep everything in the same place and make sure there’s a clear path for him. Since he’s blind, that consistency helps him move safely through the house.

When he gets hungry, I make lunch. Later, I make dinner. There are more blood sugar checks, insulin when appropriate, and the rest of his pills at bedtime, along with his long acting insulin.

Some days we have doctor appointments. I help him shower and get dressed when he needs it.

It probably doesn’t sound romantic.

But this is what our marriage looks like now.

Where We Started

Jason and I were married on July 21, 1994, at the courthouse in Newberry, South Carolina.

Our son Nic was eight months old, and Jason and I had been engaged since Valentine’s Day the year before.

We were young, raising a baby, and starting a marriage. I’m sure we thought we understood what we were promising each other, but there’s no way to understand all of it at the beginning.

You can’t know what life is going to bring. You don’t know how your family will change, what your bodies will go through, or how many times you’ll have to adjust to a new version of normal.

You just start living it.

When Our Normal Changed

Before Jason’s stroke, he did most of the cooking. He made my lunch for work and helped take care of things around the house.

His stroke in October changed our routines. His blindness changed them even more.

He’s recovered well and can do much more for himself than he could right after the stroke. His blindness is still his biggest limitation, so we’ve had to learn new ways of doing ordinary things.

On the mornings I work, he’s usually awake when I leave. I’ll get his morning pill out, bring him water, and leave something easy for him to open and eat until our middle son gets up. He takes care of Jason while I’m at work.

Jason can’t make my lunch anymore, but he still reminds me to take it.

He also reminds me about my phone, coffee, keys, and whatever else I’m about to leave sitting on the counter.

The way we take care of each other has changed, but we still take care of each other.

Some of what I do for him is obvious. I manage medications, check his blood sugar, help him get dressed, and make sure he can move safely through the house.

What he does for me may not look like as much from the outside, but I’d probably make it halfway to work without my coffee if he weren’t there reminding me.

We rely on each other more than ever now that it’s primarily just the two of us. I don’t know that the relationship itself has changed as much as the way we live it.

He’s Still Jason

Jason may be blind, but he’s still the same shit talker he’s always been.

He loves playing devil’s advocate. Sometimes he’ll say one thing to me and something completely different to the kids.

We call that Daddy Two Face.

After all these years, we have plenty of inside jokes and stories that belong only to us. We also have things we remember very differently.

Jason once didn’t know that Sting sang on “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits.

He denies this ever happened.

It happened.

That’s part of being married this long. You build your own collection of jokes, stories, looks, and arguments that would make absolutely no sense to anyone else.

Sometimes one look is enough to have an entire conversation.

Sometimes you tell the same story for years because one of you refuses to admit the other person remembers it correctly.

This Is What Love Looks Like Now

At this point in our marriage, love usually isn’t fireworks and sparks.

It’s breakfast and pills.

It’s keeping a clear path through the house.

It’s checking blood sugar, making lunch, and making sure the walker is close enough for Jason to reach.

It’s crawling into bed beside him at the end of the day.

It’s sitting in the same room while he listens to a book and I cut paper, glue things into a journal, or work on the blog.

It’s him reminding me where I left something when he’s the one who can’t see it.

It’s also aggravating each other, laughing at the same old jokes, and knowing exactly what the other person is about to say.

None of that would make a very exciting romance movie, but it’s real.

It Hasn’t Always Been Easy

I don’t believe people stay married this long because everything happened to work out perfectly.

Marriage takes work. It takes open and honest communication. It takes respect for your partner, but it also takes respect for yourself.

It hasn’t always been easy for us.

We’ve been through changes we chose and changes we never would’ve chosen. There have been times when one of us needed more from the other. There have been disagreements, difficult years, and plenty of moments when communication took more effort than either of us probably wanted to give it.

But it’s always been worth it.

A long marriage isn’t about pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. It isn’t about overlooking every problem or losing yourself to keep the peace.

It’s about continuing to talk, continuing to respect each other, and continuing to believe the life you’ve built together is worth the work.

My Favorite Old T Shirt

At this stage, our marriage is like my favorite old, worn out T shirt.

It’s comfortable and cozy. It has age, wear, and imperfections. It may not look particularly impressive to anyone else, but I know exactly how it feels when I put it on.

I overlook the worn places and wear it anyway because I can’t imagine getting rid of it.

That’s probably not the most romantic way to describe a marriage, but after all these years, comfortable means more to me than impressive.

Our marriage is breakfast dishes, doctor appointments, blood sugar checks, inside jokes, familiar aggravation, and reminders not to forget my coffee.

It’s helping Jason get dressed, then listening to him argue with me just because he enjoys it.

It’s knowing that neither of us is the same person we were when we walked into that courthouse in 1994.

We’ve both changed. Life has left some wear and tear on us.

But after all these years, we still fit.

With Love from Mabank,

Brandy