My World Has Gotten Smaller

I realized recently that my world has gotten pretty small.

Not in some dramatic way. There was no moment when I decided I was going to stop going places or doing things. It just happened little by little.

I go to work.

I come home.

I go to doctor appointments.

I go to the post office.

And that is about the extent of my regular travels these days.

Groceries are delivered. Prescriptions can be mailed or delivered. If we want takeout, someone brings it to the house. I do most of my shopping online.

There really are very few things I have to leave home for anymore.

And most of the time, I am perfectly fine with that.

Leaving the House Used to Be Simple

There was a time when I would decide I wanted to go to Dollar Tree or a bin store and just go.

I might pick up dinner instead of having it delivered.

I could run and get a prescription.

I would go visit my sister from time to time.

None of those things sound particularly exciting when I write them down.

Nobody is putting, “Went to Dollar Tree without planning three hours in advance,” on a bucket list.

But I miss the ease of it.

I miss being able to decide I wanted to go somewhere and then simply leave.

That kind of spontaneity feels very far away now.

These days, leaving the house requires thought.

Before I go anywhere, I have to make sure Jason has what he needs. I have to think about how long I will be gone and what needs to happen while I am away.

Then there is the actual getting ready part.

Clothes.

Bra.

Shoes.

My teeth.

By the time I think through everything required to leave the house, staying home starts sounding pretty good.

Sometimes the idea of going somewhere is more exhausting than actually going.

The Strange Part Is That I Like Being Home

This would probably be easier to sort out if I hated being home.

But I don’t.

I am content here.

I like the quiet.

I like drinking my coffee at home. I like reading, working on my blog, making things, and having nowhere I need to be.

Home feels peaceful to me.

I spent years when life felt like it was constantly moving. Work. Kids. Responsibilities. Errands. Everything that comes with raising a family and trying to keep life running.

There is something very nice about not feeling like I need to be somewhere all the time.

So when I think, I probably need to get out more, another part of me immediately thinks, But why?

If I am happy here, why should I force myself to go somewhere simply because I think I am supposed to?

And then the other voice shows up.

Maybe getting out would be good for me.

Maybe I have gotten a little too comfortable inside my own small world.

Maybe there is a difference between enjoying being home and slowly disappearing from everything outside of it.

I am not sure where that line is.

Sometimes I Miss Participating in Life

I do not really miss shopping.

I definitely do not miss crowds.

I do not have some secret desire to suddenly become a social butterfly.

That sounds exhausting too.

What I miss is something harder to describe.

I think I miss participating in life in real time.

Seeing people.

Going somewhere without knowing exactly what I will find.

Being out in the world instead of experiencing so much of it through a screen or a delivery notification.

Even something as ordinary as picking up takeout means interacting with another person. Driving through town. Seeing what has changed. Noticing that something new opened where something else used to be.

Those little things probably do more to connect us to the world around us than we realize.

When almost everything can be brought to your front door, it becomes very easy to stop going out into that world.

Convenience is wonderful.

I love convenience.

I have absolutely no intention of giving up grocery delivery just to prove a point.

But convenience can quietly remove a lot of ordinary life too.

Then There Is FOMO

I can be perfectly content at home and still wonder what I am missing.

Those two things can apparently exist at the same time.

I can look around my house and think, This is exactly where I want to be.

Then scroll past something someone else is doing and think, Maybe I should be doing more.

Maybe I should go places.

Maybe I should see people.

Maybe I should have something more interesting to report than the fact that I went to the post office.

FOMO is strange when you are not even sure you want the thing you are afraid of missing.

I do not want a packed calendar.

I do not want to constantly be on the go.

I just do not want my world to get so small that one day I look up and realize I stopped participating in it.

I Do Not Think I Need to Reinvent My Life

I am not about to create some challenge where I force myself to leave the house every day.

That sounds like exactly the kind of thing I would enthusiastically plan and then immediately resent.

I do not need a dramatic transformation.

Maybe I just need to pay attention.

Maybe sometimes I pick up the prescription instead of having it mailed.

Maybe I go inside Dollar Tree even though I do not technically need anything.

Maybe I pick up dinner instead of watching someone else bring it to my door.

Maybe I visit my sister.

Not because staying home is wrong.

Not because I need to become a different person.

Just because there is something to be said for occasionally stepping outside the little world I have built and remembering there is still a bigger one out there.

I suspect I would adapt if my life suddenly required me to be out more.

I know how to do that.

But right now I have the luxury of choosing.

And maybe that is what I am really thinking about.

How much of my smaller world is circumstance?

How much of it is convenience?

And how much of it have I chosen because, somewhere along the way, home became the place I most wanted to be?

I do not have an answer yet.

For now, I think I am okay with noticing the question.

With Love from Mabank,

Brandy